Monday, September 6, 2010
A tattoo instead
While I was recovering from my first loss and sometimes since then I have thought of getting a tattoo to honor the memory of the babies I have lost. At first I was contemplating a tiny footprint, but their is so much unknown about my losses and I wouldn't want to explain to anyone the meaning behind it if it happened to be in a place that was visible. After my current loss I thought about it even more, but I didn't like the angel stuff and I wasn't sold on the footprints. Then I was watching a movie called sunshine cleaning, and one of the characters had simple bird tattoos. Something about them struck me and I'm now obsessed with the idea of having a similar bird to represent each of my babies. I have been scouring the internet for the last week trying to figure out where I would put them and how I would have them look. I keep coming back to a picture of a dandelion blowing in the wind with birds flying through the dandelion seeds. I can't pinpoint the meaning I want to convey, but I am continuously drawn to it. I think I will try to meet with my tattoo artist in the next couple weeks. Originally my plan was something small, but I can't figure out how it could be done well looking smaller. I am kind of excited for the first time in a while for something. For some reason I am embarrassed to tell my husband about the tattoo I want and why. A friend of mine saw me browsing the tattoos and sounded a little condescending when she asked me why I would get that as a tattoo and what meaning does it hold. She knows of my losses, but I don't want to put it into words and thinking about saying it out loud makes me feel embarrassed and foolish, but I don't care. I think I have myself completely sold on the idea and the only way to relieve my obsession is to go through with it.
Friday, September 3, 2010
I don't want her in my life
Yesterday my husband was talking about a couple of his friends and had to tell me they are having a boy. Like I really care. I was doing okay and he had to throw that in my face. Thanks a lot. I know he didn't mean to hurt me, but since he told me I can't get past it. I should be happy for them, but I'm not. I don't wish them harm, I just don't want to be part of their lives. He's gotten over the miscarriage already and wants me to be over it too. How can I get over something so devastating so fast? He wants to force me to be friends with his friend Kate. I'm not in a place in my life to be friends with her. A mutual "friend," Krystal had a miscarriage several months back and never told Kate. After Kate became pregnant, she started telling the world 2 seconds after she peed on the stick and was complaining about how krystal wasn't jumping up and down in excitement for her. I know it wasn't my place then to tell her of krystal's miscarriage, but I had been in that situation twice at that time and it was bothering me when she was talking bad about her, so I told her. Initially kate didn't say anything about it, but later on she was making comments about how it was a good thing krystal didn't have a baby and how she would be an awful parent. This bothered me, but I didn't say anything. Since my last miscarriage happened I feel sick to my stomach hearing her pretend to be all nice nice when all she does is talk about how much she hates krystal and how much better she is than everyone else. I can't get it out of my mind how heartless she is and how hurtful those things she said about someone who probably wants nothing more than to have a baby too. I'm sure she thinks that I deserve going through all my miscarriages and she probably thinks she's better than me because her pregnancy is perfect. I don't have room in my life for people who make me feel bad and think life is a competition and insist on having everything better than everyone else. She is not a nice person and my husband wants to force me to be friends when that is the last thing I want to do. Some people have the charmed life where everything works out perfectly and they never actually have to work for what they have. I am not one of those people and I do not have room in my life for someone like that who has a nasty personality. When she was dating her husband she acted nice and was fun to hang around with. I can't think of a time when we saw her and she didn't have only negative things to say about everyone. I'm not sure how I can make my husband back off on trying to make us "friends again." I repeatedly tell him he can hang out with them, but I don't want to, but he doesn't understand and is obsessed with wanting us to hang out with them. I need a strong sedative to stomach being around her and I don't have any, so i guess I get to be the awful wife that hates his friends. Right now I don't really care.
I just need to heal myself and be in a place where I can be okay again with never having the little boy I dreamed of having. This is going to take time, and I wish he understood that. He thinks a little over a month is too long to be grieving. I think he takes it as a personal insult that I'm still having a hard time with this and thinks that the family I have should be enough to make the pain of it go away. I love him and my children more than anything, but I always dreamed of having 3 children and having another baby boy. For a short time I thought that I would have my ideal family and all the pain, hard work, and sacrifices i've made would be rewarded with what I want most in life. Unfortunately that is the dream world. karma doesn't exist and bad things just happen to the same people over and over again no matter how much good they do in the world and how much suffering they try to ease for other people. No one gets rewarded based on good deeds and hard work. Lucky people are lucky and unlucky people are unlucky.
I just need to heal myself and be in a place where I can be okay again with never having the little boy I dreamed of having. This is going to take time, and I wish he understood that. He thinks a little over a month is too long to be grieving. I think he takes it as a personal insult that I'm still having a hard time with this and thinks that the family I have should be enough to make the pain of it go away. I love him and my children more than anything, but I always dreamed of having 3 children and having another baby boy. For a short time I thought that I would have my ideal family and all the pain, hard work, and sacrifices i've made would be rewarded with what I want most in life. Unfortunately that is the dream world. karma doesn't exist and bad things just happen to the same people over and over again no matter how much good they do in the world and how much suffering they try to ease for other people. No one gets rewarded based on good deeds and hard work. Lucky people are lucky and unlucky people are unlucky.
The beginning
Today I decided to try to express my feelings and hopefully cope with things that I have been going through. I've never done this before, but anything is worth a try since I have no one in my life that truly understands my situation. I guess I should start off at the beginning of my story.
I was a month away from my wedding date when I calculated I should be on my period on my honeymoon which was disappointing. We were getting married on the beach in hawaii on our 7 year anniversary of being together. I was finally done with school and everything finally looked like it was heading in the right direction. My future husband and I decided that we would have unprotected sex one time and if I got pregnant that was fine with us. Our wedding was beautiful and everything that I had hoped for. I took a pregnancy test while in Hawaii and found out I was pregnant. We were so happy. I bought a pregnancy book right away to read on the plane ride home. My husband was so excited to tell people, so after my first prenatal visit at 8 weeks I let him tell people and I started telling coworkers and such too. My first ultrasound was scheduled when I was 11 weeks along. The night before my appointment I started having very painful cramps and bleeding. We ended up in the emergency room and had one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. I never even thought that loosing the baby was a possibility. I always thought that every pregnancy ended up with a baby in your arms. This is definitely not that case as I found out way too often.
It was very hard on my physically and emotionally. The only way I got through it was My next pregnancy. I worried about every little feeling and obsessed about it. 11 weeks seems like forever when you feel like that is your doomsday. I had a bleeding scare at 9 weeks that turned out to be nothing. 5 days after my husband and I celebrated our 1 year wedding anniversary, we welcomed our son into the world. It was the best day in my life. He was perfect. After he was born I thought maybe I was just one of the unlucky people who have a miscarriage. All the doctors said was it just happens. I didn't like that answer, but I had a son when I was almost convinced I couldn't have children.
From the first day my son was born he was a terrible eater. I wanted the best for him, so I pumped what seemed like hundreds of times a day while my husband tried to feed him the milk I produced in a bottle. I was hard on myself that I could only keep it up for 8 months before my supply dried up. Many people say their kids are bad eaters, but my son is in another category. He fell off the growth chart for weight and has been seeing a GI doctor since before his 1st birthday. Anyways, my husband and I agreed that we wanted our children to be close in age. So as soon as I was done breastfeeding I was pregnant again. I was excited and less nervous than my last pregnancy. I made my first MD appointment when I was 6 weeks pregnant which I never made it to. When I was 5 weeks pregnant I started bleeding. The MD office wouldn't see me and just told me to call if the bleeding was extremely heavy. I was crushed again.
I decided to find a different doctor and saw him 2 weeks after my second miscarriage. He was very nice and explained that miscarriages just happen and he could do testing to see why it's happening, but that was expensive and my insurance didn't cover it and they generally didn't find anything wrong. He did an exam which set my mind at ease and drew an HCG level. He called me at home and let me know my numbers were zero. I was surprised he called me at home and took this as a good sign that I had found a good doctor who genuinely cared. Somehow I ended up pregnant before having a period after my second miscarriage. I was about 6 weeks along when I figured out I was pregnant. I was terrified that I would have another just because we didn't wait that allotted time. My doctor checked my HCG and progesterone levels every couple days to make sure everything was okay and I had an Ultrasound at 7 weeks that showed everything like it should be. A year and a half after my son was born I welcomed my daughter into the world. Things couldn't have been better, but I always wanted to have at least 2 boys. My husband was a little skeptical on having a third child. Our daughter is difficult and over dramatic and colicky. Definitely not the sweet baby my son was. I was able to breastfeed her for 10 months before my milk dried up, but I was obsessive about wanting them to have breast milk for the first year and when I wasn't feeding her I was attached to the pump. To my disappointment my husband said that if we were going to have a third baby, it wouldn't be untill our daughter was at least 5 years old. He was tired of the whole breastfeeding and pregnancy stuff. With my history and my age increasing, I knew the risks of problems would increase as well so I figured that meant no more children and I was a little depressed. I always dreamed of having 3 children.
I started taking bith control and we bought a house and had a lot going on. I thought maybe my period was late because of stress and the birth control, but the nausea started and I knew better of it. I kept on like nothing was going on because I was a little scared to tell my husband, but I was very excited. Finally when i was about 7 weeks along my husband bought a pregnancy test because he had his suspicions. I officially found out I was pregnant on the 4th of July. I had an MD appointment the next week. When my doctor checked my he thought I only felt about 6 weeks along, but he shrugged it off and just said he could be wrong, but he wanted to confirm dates because they could be off because of the birth control and the fact that I had just stopped breastfeeding. They weren't able to get me in for an ultrasound for a couple weeks for the ultrasound. My husband seemed overwhelmed by the pregnancy and made jokes about giving away the sassiest of the 3 kids after the baby was born. I hid how excited I was with the pregnancy. It was all I ever wanted and somehow I had myself convinced I was having another boy. I even bought some baby clothes for a boy to take "him" home in from the hospital. Whenever my husband said negative things having another child I would tell him that the baby was probably already dead and died at 6 weeks and that explained why I only "felt" 6 weeks along to the doctor. I didn't really believe that, but it was a worry in the back of my mind. I guess maybe deep down I knew. I started spotting and tried to convince myself everything could be okay since I had bleeding with my son and tons of people have bleeding. I called the doctor's office and the nurse claimed she was going to talk to the doctor and call back. Days passed and no one called back. I called again and got a huge runaround and finally they let me come in for an ultrasound. I knew the worst and didn't look at the screen. I didn't want that image burned in my mind. I was hopeful that the tech would say "here's the heartbeat," but she never did. She excused herself to get the doctor and I knew It happened again. I was supposed to be 10 weeks along now, but the baby had stopped developing probably around 5 or 6 weeks I'm guessing. I had a D&C on the same day on July 22. No new baby now. No baby ever again. All my hopes and dreams shattered again. This time is different and my husband insists it is not. The only thing that got me through the last 2 miscarriages was having a successful pregnancy again right away and getting to hold those two beautiful babies. To make the pain less, I told myself that if I hadn't gone through those miscarriages, I wouldn't be the same mother I am today and my son and daughter would not be here. This time there will not be a new baby to hold and love.
I was a month away from my wedding date when I calculated I should be on my period on my honeymoon which was disappointing. We were getting married on the beach in hawaii on our 7 year anniversary of being together. I was finally done with school and everything finally looked like it was heading in the right direction. My future husband and I decided that we would have unprotected sex one time and if I got pregnant that was fine with us. Our wedding was beautiful and everything that I had hoped for. I took a pregnancy test while in Hawaii and found out I was pregnant. We were so happy. I bought a pregnancy book right away to read on the plane ride home. My husband was so excited to tell people, so after my first prenatal visit at 8 weeks I let him tell people and I started telling coworkers and such too. My first ultrasound was scheduled when I was 11 weeks along. The night before my appointment I started having very painful cramps and bleeding. We ended up in the emergency room and had one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. I never even thought that loosing the baby was a possibility. I always thought that every pregnancy ended up with a baby in your arms. This is definitely not that case as I found out way too often.
It was very hard on my physically and emotionally. The only way I got through it was My next pregnancy. I worried about every little feeling and obsessed about it. 11 weeks seems like forever when you feel like that is your doomsday. I had a bleeding scare at 9 weeks that turned out to be nothing. 5 days after my husband and I celebrated our 1 year wedding anniversary, we welcomed our son into the world. It was the best day in my life. He was perfect. After he was born I thought maybe I was just one of the unlucky people who have a miscarriage. All the doctors said was it just happens. I didn't like that answer, but I had a son when I was almost convinced I couldn't have children.
From the first day my son was born he was a terrible eater. I wanted the best for him, so I pumped what seemed like hundreds of times a day while my husband tried to feed him the milk I produced in a bottle. I was hard on myself that I could only keep it up for 8 months before my supply dried up. Many people say their kids are bad eaters, but my son is in another category. He fell off the growth chart for weight and has been seeing a GI doctor since before his 1st birthday. Anyways, my husband and I agreed that we wanted our children to be close in age. So as soon as I was done breastfeeding I was pregnant again. I was excited and less nervous than my last pregnancy. I made my first MD appointment when I was 6 weeks pregnant which I never made it to. When I was 5 weeks pregnant I started bleeding. The MD office wouldn't see me and just told me to call if the bleeding was extremely heavy. I was crushed again.
I decided to find a different doctor and saw him 2 weeks after my second miscarriage. He was very nice and explained that miscarriages just happen and he could do testing to see why it's happening, but that was expensive and my insurance didn't cover it and they generally didn't find anything wrong. He did an exam which set my mind at ease and drew an HCG level. He called me at home and let me know my numbers were zero. I was surprised he called me at home and took this as a good sign that I had found a good doctor who genuinely cared. Somehow I ended up pregnant before having a period after my second miscarriage. I was about 6 weeks along when I figured out I was pregnant. I was terrified that I would have another just because we didn't wait that allotted time. My doctor checked my HCG and progesterone levels every couple days to make sure everything was okay and I had an Ultrasound at 7 weeks that showed everything like it should be. A year and a half after my son was born I welcomed my daughter into the world. Things couldn't have been better, but I always wanted to have at least 2 boys. My husband was a little skeptical on having a third child. Our daughter is difficult and over dramatic and colicky. Definitely not the sweet baby my son was. I was able to breastfeed her for 10 months before my milk dried up, but I was obsessive about wanting them to have breast milk for the first year and when I wasn't feeding her I was attached to the pump. To my disappointment my husband said that if we were going to have a third baby, it wouldn't be untill our daughter was at least 5 years old. He was tired of the whole breastfeeding and pregnancy stuff. With my history and my age increasing, I knew the risks of problems would increase as well so I figured that meant no more children and I was a little depressed. I always dreamed of having 3 children.
I started taking bith control and we bought a house and had a lot going on. I thought maybe my period was late because of stress and the birth control, but the nausea started and I knew better of it. I kept on like nothing was going on because I was a little scared to tell my husband, but I was very excited. Finally when i was about 7 weeks along my husband bought a pregnancy test because he had his suspicions. I officially found out I was pregnant on the 4th of July. I had an MD appointment the next week. When my doctor checked my he thought I only felt about 6 weeks along, but he shrugged it off and just said he could be wrong, but he wanted to confirm dates because they could be off because of the birth control and the fact that I had just stopped breastfeeding. They weren't able to get me in for an ultrasound for a couple weeks for the ultrasound. My husband seemed overwhelmed by the pregnancy and made jokes about giving away the sassiest of the 3 kids after the baby was born. I hid how excited I was with the pregnancy. It was all I ever wanted and somehow I had myself convinced I was having another boy. I even bought some baby clothes for a boy to take "him" home in from the hospital. Whenever my husband said negative things having another child I would tell him that the baby was probably already dead and died at 6 weeks and that explained why I only "felt" 6 weeks along to the doctor. I didn't really believe that, but it was a worry in the back of my mind. I guess maybe deep down I knew. I started spotting and tried to convince myself everything could be okay since I had bleeding with my son and tons of people have bleeding. I called the doctor's office and the nurse claimed she was going to talk to the doctor and call back. Days passed and no one called back. I called again and got a huge runaround and finally they let me come in for an ultrasound. I knew the worst and didn't look at the screen. I didn't want that image burned in my mind. I was hopeful that the tech would say "here's the heartbeat," but she never did. She excused herself to get the doctor and I knew It happened again. I was supposed to be 10 weeks along now, but the baby had stopped developing probably around 5 or 6 weeks I'm guessing. I had a D&C on the same day on July 22. No new baby now. No baby ever again. All my hopes and dreams shattered again. This time is different and my husband insists it is not. The only thing that got me through the last 2 miscarriages was having a successful pregnancy again right away and getting to hold those two beautiful babies. To make the pain less, I told myself that if I hadn't gone through those miscarriages, I wouldn't be the same mother I am today and my son and daughter would not be here. This time there will not be a new baby to hold and love.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)