Today I decided to try to express my feelings and hopefully cope with things that I have been going through. I've never done this before, but anything is worth a try since I have no one in my life that truly understands my situation. I guess I should start off at the beginning of my story.
I was a month away from my wedding date when I calculated I should be on my period on my honeymoon which was disappointing. We were getting married on the beach in hawaii on our 7 year anniversary of being together. I was finally done with school and everything finally looked like it was heading in the right direction. My future husband and I decided that we would have unprotected sex one time and if I got pregnant that was fine with us. Our wedding was beautiful and everything that I had hoped for. I took a pregnancy test while in Hawaii and found out I was pregnant. We were so happy. I bought a pregnancy book right away to read on the plane ride home. My husband was so excited to tell people, so after my first prenatal visit at 8 weeks I let him tell people and I started telling coworkers and such too. My first ultrasound was scheduled when I was 11 weeks along. The night before my appointment I started having very painful cramps and bleeding. We ended up in the emergency room and had one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. I never even thought that loosing the baby was a possibility. I always thought that every pregnancy ended up with a baby in your arms. This is definitely not that case as I found out way too often.
It was very hard on my physically and emotionally. The only way I got through it was My next pregnancy. I worried about every little feeling and obsessed about it. 11 weeks seems like forever when you feel like that is your doomsday. I had a bleeding scare at 9 weeks that turned out to be nothing. 5 days after my husband and I celebrated our 1 year wedding anniversary, we welcomed our son into the world. It was the best day in my life. He was perfect. After he was born I thought maybe I was just one of the unlucky people who have a miscarriage. All the doctors said was it just happens. I didn't like that answer, but I had a son when I was almost convinced I couldn't have children.
From the first day my son was born he was a terrible eater. I wanted the best for him, so I pumped what seemed like hundreds of times a day while my husband tried to feed him the milk I produced in a bottle. I was hard on myself that I could only keep it up for 8 months before my supply dried up. Many people say their kids are bad eaters, but my son is in another category. He fell off the growth chart for weight and has been seeing a GI doctor since before his 1st birthday. Anyways, my husband and I agreed that we wanted our children to be close in age. So as soon as I was done breastfeeding I was pregnant again. I was excited and less nervous than my last pregnancy. I made my first MD appointment when I was 6 weeks pregnant which I never made it to. When I was 5 weeks pregnant I started bleeding. The MD office wouldn't see me and just told me to call if the bleeding was extremely heavy. I was crushed again.
I decided to find a different doctor and saw him 2 weeks after my second miscarriage. He was very nice and explained that miscarriages just happen and he could do testing to see why it's happening, but that was expensive and my insurance didn't cover it and they generally didn't find anything wrong. He did an exam which set my mind at ease and drew an HCG level. He called me at home and let me know my numbers were zero. I was surprised he called me at home and took this as a good sign that I had found a good doctor who genuinely cared. Somehow I ended up pregnant before having a period after my second miscarriage. I was about 6 weeks along when I figured out I was pregnant. I was terrified that I would have another just because we didn't wait that allotted time. My doctor checked my HCG and progesterone levels every couple days to make sure everything was okay and I had an Ultrasound at 7 weeks that showed everything like it should be. A year and a half after my son was born I welcomed my daughter into the world. Things couldn't have been better, but I always wanted to have at least 2 boys. My husband was a little skeptical on having a third child. Our daughter is difficult and over dramatic and colicky. Definitely not the sweet baby my son was. I was able to breastfeed her for 10 months before my milk dried up, but I was obsessive about wanting them to have breast milk for the first year and when I wasn't feeding her I was attached to the pump. To my disappointment my husband said that if we were going to have a third baby, it wouldn't be untill our daughter was at least 5 years old. He was tired of the whole breastfeeding and pregnancy stuff. With my history and my age increasing, I knew the risks of problems would increase as well so I figured that meant no more children and I was a little depressed. I always dreamed of having 3 children.
I started taking bith control and we bought a house and had a lot going on. I thought maybe my period was late because of stress and the birth control, but the nausea started and I knew better of it. I kept on like nothing was going on because I was a little scared to tell my husband, but I was very excited. Finally when i was about 7 weeks along my husband bought a pregnancy test because he had his suspicions. I officially found out I was pregnant on the 4th of July. I had an MD appointment the next week. When my doctor checked my he thought I only felt about 6 weeks along, but he shrugged it off and just said he could be wrong, but he wanted to confirm dates because they could be off because of the birth control and the fact that I had just stopped breastfeeding. They weren't able to get me in for an ultrasound for a couple weeks for the ultrasound. My husband seemed overwhelmed by the pregnancy and made jokes about giving away the sassiest of the 3 kids after the baby was born. I hid how excited I was with the pregnancy. It was all I ever wanted and somehow I had myself convinced I was having another boy. I even bought some baby clothes for a boy to take "him" home in from the hospital. Whenever my husband said negative things having another child I would tell him that the baby was probably already dead and died at 6 weeks and that explained why I only "felt" 6 weeks along to the doctor. I didn't really believe that, but it was a worry in the back of my mind. I guess maybe deep down I knew. I started spotting and tried to convince myself everything could be okay since I had bleeding with my son and tons of people have bleeding. I called the doctor's office and the nurse claimed she was going to talk to the doctor and call back. Days passed and no one called back. I called again and got a huge runaround and finally they let me come in for an ultrasound. I knew the worst and didn't look at the screen. I didn't want that image burned in my mind. I was hopeful that the tech would say "here's the heartbeat," but she never did. She excused herself to get the doctor and I knew It happened again. I was supposed to be 10 weeks along now, but the baby had stopped developing probably around 5 or 6 weeks I'm guessing. I had a D&C on the same day on July 22. No new baby now. No baby ever again. All my hopes and dreams shattered again. This time is different and my husband insists it is not. The only thing that got me through the last 2 miscarriages was having a successful pregnancy again right away and getting to hold those two beautiful babies. To make the pain less, I told myself that if I hadn't gone through those miscarriages, I wouldn't be the same mother I am today and my son and daughter would not be here. This time there will not be a new baby to hold and love.
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